While deciding which bereavement group to join today, I discovered a new place and a new dimension inside myself. While filling out my contact info on the hospice website I was unsure which box to check…
Adult: loss of a parent
Adult: loss of a child
Adult: recent loss
Adult: loss of someone over 6 months ago
It’s been almost 5 weeks since my mom died and the connection between her and I, and Birdie and I and Birdie and my mom is heavy. Heavy because the weight of loss I feel is only measured by the weight of love I have for them.
This sounds dumb but as it turns out I loved them…..A LOT. I Loved them in places and spaces inside myself that are new to me. It feels like there is a universe inside and it has always existed and I have never been aware of it. Or maybe I have. Maybe in moments and seasons of deep suffering I have wandered inside and into this vast and complex space, and maybe I have seen its darkness and it’s light…..maybe…..but today it seems like the first time I have arrived here.
In a different time I may have thought myself a bit crazy but this “time” I feel completely connected and in sync with what is true. This universe that is connected to me, inside of me, and completely outside of me is a mystery, a gift, and maybe the most familiar place I have ever known.
Obviously this universe is God, Heaven, Jesus, light, freedom, the Holy Spirit and most of all Love. This universe is holding me, not me like my physical self, but me my soul, my spirit, my breath, my brain and all…ALL my feelings.
While checking and unchecking the boxes I found myself slipping back into this universe. And it is as dark as it is light. It’s not scary, there is no fear. It has pockets and caves and mountains and landing spaces. It has many many many soft landing spaces. It is amazing how much it can hold, this universe, and there is no hurry to feel everything all at once. I like this space. It’s alive and it’s aware and it’s smarter and stronger and wiser than me. And in the space that holds the dark and the light I checked all the boxes.
I wandered back to the universe and I cried.
How have I not spent more time here? It’s perfect. It’s brilliance is unmatched and the air is filled with might and compassion. I can deposit ANY fear or thought and it is reviewed and received and reconciled.
I know I have been here. The more I linger the more I remember. The further in I press the more at peace I become. I start to see places that I have spent time in. The pockets I have crawled in and hid away all my hurts and when I was ready I peered out and saw that all was still right and the hurts did not dismantle the space. Even as I write my mind is recalled to the mountains that made me feel small and strong and the caves which made me feel safe and adored. The landings where I laid my body bare and pounded my fists into the earth and begged for the relentlessness of life to stop punishing me and then the beds of grass where all of those tears made a stream to water the garden that now delights me.
Yes this place is not so distant and yet I don’t come as much as I long to. The longer I am away, my memory fades and I feel alone and lost. The world seems too big and the aches of my heart feel too heavy to bear but……in this space, this universe of light and dark and mysteries and awe nothing is too big and nothing is too heavy.
Alice saw through a looking glass and was mystified. Wonderland was her illusion, a fairy tale. But for me there is no looking glass only the deepest of clarity as I now see It is the very nature and physical manifestation of God, this universe I know so intimately is the Fathers heart, and it is my home. No need to chase a white rabbit or fret about which way is up.
I understand that this grief I am experiencing is a profound and significant gift. And although the grief comes with much ache and anger, and at times violence to my soul, it also gives me the clarity to see what is all around me and within me and what beholds me and what carries me.
The same heart that holds all of me also holds all of them.
Brilliant, God is so fucking Brilliant.